I need a cigarette

I was told today that i didn’t know what i wanted. I was told that i was unintelligent. I was told that my life was heading nowhere. I was told all this… then i ran away.

I’ve never ran so fast away from someone before. As if her words were knives that were attacking who i was forever going to be. I wanted her to know so badly that i am not a complete fuck up… but i was defenseless. Everything i could tell her would never have made a dent in what she already felt she knew of me.

So i ran. Literally ran to my car and drove away. She chased me, calling after me, “young lady.”
I’m afraid. Not of my life, but of what you might have to say about my life. It makes me wonder what you see when you look at me: a hopeless mess. No future, because she has set no goals. No goals, because she is afraid of what it will mean when she fails.

I don’t really know what i want to say, because honestly i have nothing to say. You don’t really know me. You've never met me. And that hurts my feelings for some reason.
Who’s to say why it hurts… I leave my thoughts open ended, as if you are supposed to know what goes in the blank...

Halloween 2007; now and then.

When we were young, I remember my mom used to make the neatest Halloween costumes for us. Even if I was creative, I doubt I could manage to pull off some of the costumes she whipped up for us. She used to dress as a witch and . and when I was really young she even made a mini-me witch outfit exactly like hers. Not many moms did that and I'm not so sure many go to that extreme even now. As with all the holidays, she always seemed to enjoy helping make Halloween special. I think she liked dressing up and being crazy just as much as the next kid.

I miss that. Halloween used to be really fun. After she died, my dad still used to take me trick or treating but I never seemed to have a proper costume. Just a cheap one that I bough from in town. For some years after, I didn't bother trick or treating. It seemed just a distant memory of childhood fun and seeing as I was now I teenager, I didn't feel that it was my place. It was never fun anymore. Just childish and silly and a memory.

This year was different though. I did do something for halloween. I dressed up again. Me and a few friends decided we deserved fun too at halloween regardless of our age or past events. And you know what? I had one of the best times in my entire life. We laughed, we joked and we had so much fun trick and treating. People didn't look like we were mad, they laughed along with us. I don't know why I was so scared. Nobody cares. And neither do I anymore.

This halloween I think I learnt one of life's most important lessons; Sometimes you have to let go and forget the past for a few innocent hours.