Winter Blue's.

Winter break has started, and it makes me sad. I miss my friends already. I could keep myself busy but I seem to be suffering from a serve case of lack of motivation. Winter just makes me want to curl up in my bed and not wake up until spring. It's such a miserable time with dull weather and nothing to keep my mind going.

I’m listening to Christmas music, but, alas, I’m not in the holiday spirit. Sigh. I don’t think I will be, I have so much hatred for this season. I don’t think it helps that I’m bored either. So far today, I’ve cleaned my room, checked my email, and listened to music. Exiting. I miss my friends so much.

Well, I hope you are feeling joyful and Christmas-y even if I'm not! Have a great Christmas and I will talk to you all in 2008.

Veronica
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P.S. Check out my bookshelf! Scroll down a bit and its on the right! =)

I need a cigarette

I was told today that i didn’t know what i wanted. I was told that i was unintelligent. I was told that my life was heading nowhere. I was told all this… then i ran away.

I’ve never ran so fast away from someone before. As if her words were knives that were attacking who i was forever going to be. I wanted her to know so badly that i am not a complete fuck up… but i was defenseless. Everything i could tell her would never have made a dent in what she already felt she knew of me.

So i ran. Literally ran to my car and drove away. She chased me, calling after me, “young lady.”
I’m afraid. Not of my life, but of what you might have to say about my life. It makes me wonder what you see when you look at me: a hopeless mess. No future, because she has set no goals. No goals, because she is afraid of what it will mean when she fails.

I don’t really know what i want to say, because honestly i have nothing to say. You don’t really know me. You've never met me. And that hurts my feelings for some reason.
Who’s to say why it hurts… I leave my thoughts open ended, as if you are supposed to know what goes in the blank...

Halloween 2007; now and then.

When we were young, I remember my mom used to make the neatest Halloween costumes for us. Even if I was creative, I doubt I could manage to pull off some of the costumes she whipped up for us. She used to dress as a witch and . and when I was really young she even made a mini-me witch outfit exactly like hers. Not many moms did that and I'm not so sure many go to that extreme even now. As with all the holidays, she always seemed to enjoy helping make Halloween special. I think she liked dressing up and being crazy just as much as the next kid.

I miss that. Halloween used to be really fun. After she died, my dad still used to take me trick or treating but I never seemed to have a proper costume. Just a cheap one that I bough from in town. For some years after, I didn't bother trick or treating. It seemed just a distant memory of childhood fun and seeing as I was now I teenager, I didn't feel that it was my place. It was never fun anymore. Just childish and silly and a memory.

This year was different though. I did do something for halloween. I dressed up again. Me and a few friends decided we deserved fun too at halloween regardless of our age or past events. And you know what? I had one of the best times in my entire life. We laughed, we joked and we had so much fun trick and treating. People didn't look like we were mad, they laughed along with us. I don't know why I was so scared. Nobody cares. And neither do I anymore.

This halloween I think I learnt one of life's most important lessons; Sometimes you have to let go and forget the past for a few innocent hours.

Fake America. What a surprise!

I wasted two hours of my life reading the newspaper today. It was strange. It made me feel like I was out of touch. I haven’t read the newspaper in probably,...well..., ever.
By reading the newspaper and getting back in touch with the media, I learnt that:

War - what is it good for? Nothing.

Obese America? Let’s get anorexic together.

Internet? Emails can get misconstruded so you should not use them as a cop out from real face to face communication.

The news to me, is really bogus. I’d hate to be a journalist; you feed the nation crap and watch as they swallow it whole. Infact it is nothing but a random and insignificant thought but hey! you're a journalist so lets manipulate it and feed it to people! Most only care about what is crammed into a paper because they want to sound educated. I'm fed up of having to dig in the dirt for the truth because it got buried under a bunch of fucking lies. It makes my nails hurt. And then the media have the nerve to ask 'why aren't young people interesting in the news?'. Possibly because the news is fake. The news isn't news. Its lies and totally exagerated facts. And that it the first and the last time that I bother to read the news. My nails better toughen up, cause they are gonna have to keep on digging. I ain't settling for the news and its crap. I want the truth.

Now why does that statement strike fear into the heart of every journalist in America?....

Unknown answers to my questions.

Sometimes, people say that the believe that they were put on earth for a reason. To do what every it is that they do. Writer say that they are on earth to bring their words to the public. Artists say that they are on earth to fill the world with a different take on life with their art. Voluntary workers say that they are here to save and help those less fortunate than themselves. The list goes on and on.

Well, I don't feel like that. I am a writer and a photographer, and I feel nothing. I have no idea why I exsist in this life. On this earth. What my purpose is - I just don't know. It got me wondering, why am I here? Everyone else seems to know except me. It annoys me. I know that I want to carrying on writing and taking my beloved camera everywhere but that doesn't mean that that was what I was suppose to do. God didn't give me a misson; 'you must fill the world with your words Veronica and write at every possible opportunity.' I just do it because I like it and enjoy it.

I've come to realise that you can't keep on questioning life. Its impossible. You'll just go around in circles asking the same questions again and again to the sky. You don't alway get answers in life. You have to accept the unknown and move on. I've wasted too much time in my life asking questions and getting stupidly fustrated when there is no reply. It wont bother me anymore. I'll make sure of it.

Coming Home Again.

Hello again.

Yes I do still exist and I am going to offically start this blog now. I'm sorry for the wait; things have been a little somewhat hetic and crazy lately. Too many people fell off the tracks of life and we all had to stop and help them back on the right road. Does that make sense? Perhaps not but it does in my mind amongst all of the mess that's lying cluttered on the floor of my poor brain. Its been having to think very hard lately, mainly on the behalf of other people who couldn't think for themselves. But I'm glad I help everyone. It made me feel a better person. And that's a good thing, right?

Things will will soon be back to normal. Trust me.

Veronica
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